back later.

my sporadic posts of late aren’t fantastic, because i didn’t write with my heart – i wrote with my head. i’ve been thinking heaps lately and am not in the best shape (emotionally, mentally, physically) in life. surely, i knew something wasn’t right, and i think it fueled those thoughts and it just became a vicious cycle eventually.

i get this bad negative awful feeling deep in my chest. its sort of a suffocating, heavy feeling that i get when life isn’t going, or at least heading, in the right direction.

i’m still trying to steer my thoughts to a more constructive and productive direction. and since i don’t have much to write, or rather am choosing not to, i won’t be for a bit.

she.

i say the very same things to and about her. she’s young, and stupid. she goes way out for him, prioritizes him over the family, and takes his word as gold. endless amount of talk and advice seemingly did nothing, and it might even exacerbated the issue. i was never happy about her ways, but one can only say so much.

it is very upsetting, even more so when you see her efforts not returned and her crestfallen face marked with tears. i do blame him too, for being selfish and selfcentered. he only cares for his own agenda and no one else, failing to recognise what she does for him. there are moments that she lives for, the ones where both are happy and feeling much in love. but, is that really love? or simply the convenience of receiving a great amount of care that he is able but unwilling to return, and the unrequited efforts of a poor young thing?

helplessly, i can do nothing.

internet: friend or foe?

interestingly, internet came about in 1969, when the military put their brains together and tried to come up with a better way of communication after having a nuclear attack. of course, internet was not named as such back then, and communication and technology was not even on par as today. read more about how it came about here.

i’m quite passionate about the topic of how the advancement of technology, as in the ease at which information can be accessed at your fingertips, is not necessarily a good thing. perhaps, this passion is derived more from the inability to do anything about my little sister, aged 11, who uses the computer almost daily for everything and anything. well, as much as there are parental controls and passwords that claim to lock site access, there is no sense of discretion there and a kid might chance upon what their minds are most likely not ready to receive (for example, adult content). and the ability for a kid to be reading so much about anything at all on the internet, albeit a great thing for enriching the young minds and challenging their thoughts on intellectual subjects, does impact the dynamics of the parent-child relationship in a not-so-positive way.

you see, in the past, or simply just traditionally, kids go to their parents for answers when they have questions. today, it is a common sight to see kids sitting at the computers with 3-inch glasses staring at the computer screen all day. it does no good for their eyesight, their lower backs, nor their family dynamics.

i had once this discussion briefly with CL, and whilst i supported the many benefits of the internet, i also brought up these concerns. his response was that i am being too “auntie” and old-ish. i don’t remember if he agreed with me.

well, i do love that my little sis reads widely and talks to me about various subjects (usually they surprise me because i don’t remember having the vast knowledge at her age as she does). she’s a bright kid and i know she’ll go far in anything she chooses to do in future. but, what about the other things that, she should not be reading about just yet? the internet, in a sense, robs their childhoods and is replacing many other activities that importance is often overlooked.

sometimes, i do wish that internet was not widely popular and advanced. simplicity is wonderful, and more often than not, we’re caught up in anything else but.

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shitass.

so he replied to say that i’ll be penalised anyways since i ‘chose not to do the presentation’, and that i just gotta live with it. well, i sent another email saying that i didn’t choose not to do it, i could not. but i can’t do anything – he’s got more power than me.

it is not the greatest thing waking up to reading an email that is like a slap in the face, that makes me thoroughly annoyed at myself for not backing up every 3minutes. well, at least my real estate agent got back to me about my  complaint, though i don’t really care for that now.

i still feel like crap and my nose is a running tap, and i’m trying to eat cereal which is really tasteless to me. ugh. i’ve had enough of this day already.

does your partner hinder your success?

i remember when we were talking, a couple weeks back, and MB said: someone once told me, how successful you are is directly related to the quality of your partner.

well, not quality in a material sense, but you know what i mean.

i felt a sense of sadness when MB said that, because it was common knowledge that he isn’t completely happy in his relationship, but yet seems unable to do anything. perhaps its familiarity, or simply the fact that sometimes, it’s just easier to leave things as they are instead of making a change. it is apparent that his partner is pulling him down. in the sense that there is a lack of support, understanding, and maybe even love. if love means to allow the other person to be who they want to be and supporting them in being who they can be, then maybe what’s holding them together is not love, by that definition.

i do agree that finding the right partner is essential for one’s success in life. i don’t mean that without a partner, one would not do well in life because we are still independent homosapiens. but i do think that people in happy relationships are better off, as a whole. the joy that comes from the stability and security of having a loyal and faithful someone by your side, and the support that creates a driving force for that person to strive hard for his/her loved one are things that a single person would have to create or derive, if possible, from elsewhere. well simply put, i’m just saying that, two is better than one. only if it’s two right ones and not mismatched twos.

i’ll stop rambling because my thoughts and going faster than my fingers can run across the keyboard and i realise the sentences are not as coherent and cogent as they seem to me.

i do hope that MB will figure out what’s right for him, because he’s such a dear friend and it would be so sad for him to stick with someone who doesn’t deserve such a great guy.

hangovers last longer with age.

i’ve a scratchy throat, woozy head, queasy stomach and an aching body. i’m not sure what brought it on, and i highly doubt that it was the copious amount of guiness+jagermeister that was consumed on the cold and windy saturday night. of course, the hungover that lasted all through sunday proved that the combination of the stout and liquor don’t go well together, and that it should be refrained from. i felt like i do right now, but worse, on sunday and simply attributed it to the excessive alcohol. but given that only two (CL and myself) out of the three people who had the same alcohol on saturday is feeling like shit right now, it could possibly have been something we ate. but then again, we had yum cha and homecooked steak, so i’m not sure what the issue is.

anyways, a week of uni break has flown by and i just emailed my lecturer again about the presentation issue. i decided that if he penalises me, that is not practicing equality amongst all students and should not be done, especially in law school. well, we’ll see what happens with that. in the meantime, i’m starting to get scared cos i just checked up on the date and it’s almost the end of september. i’m gonna do up a plan real real soon and hopefully, some brain cells would grow back, somehow because i need them desperately. and i’m going to take up a new sport, hmm, not everyone would classify this as a sport per se, but i shall. it will take time and discipline, but the reaction i’m imagining that i’ll get at the end of the year will make it worthwhile.

and i want a dog, so so bad. you know which one i want right, sweets? thank you in advance for my christmas gift!

honesty is the best policy.

CL came over for a little while and when he saw me -

CL: “hey, i think you’ve put on weight. “

me: “erm…yeh.” *embarrassed laugh* “my arms huh?”

CL: “no. your face. “

what do you say to that right? haha. my boyfriend sure is honest.

[dis]contentment.

i haven’t written in a while (it’s a while, to me). not for reasons that i’ve got nothing happening in my life, but perhaps i’ve just been thinking heaps lately and i’m not sure if i wanted to see my thoughts in black and white. well, in the past week, in between cursing my jerk-ass lecturer regarding the presentation issue, donating blood and CSK’s wedding, i got wind of the passing of a relative, and the hospitalisation of another. they both happen to be granddad’s siblings, and the fact that they happened in the same week resulted in him being afraid to answer the phone now. most of his family is in indo, so he flew over last week with grandma to ‘deal with things’.

this news came as a shock to me because his sister who passed, was healthy and fit as a fiddle. she moved around on her own, and even bake cookies and sweets for chinese new year for us on a regular basis. i just saw her in july, and had dinner with her twice. she had a good appetite, could engage in lively conversations (she made them lively, cos she’s quite loud), and as far as i knew, she was nothing close to sick. apparently it happened suddenly late in the night, where she had trouble breathing and a heart attack (i’m not sure in which order, but something to that effect). her daughter took her to the hospital, but it was too late.

when i spoke to granddad and he was telling me about this, i could hear the sadness/fear in his voice. i felt so helpless being unable to do anything for him; it was terrible.

last night, i was informed that a colleague of mom had also lost the battle to cancer, leaving her 11yearold daughter alone in the world as her parents were divorced and her father had remarried.

it is sad. this is sad, very sad. i hate to hear of things like that, regardless of how close i am to that person/situation. i am idealistic in that aspect, always wishing that it’d be great if no one got sick like that, or had to go. i really hate it.

and i think, that hearing of things like that is driving me toward going home at the end of the year. honestly, i don’t know what’s going to happen. i don’t have a plan, and it’s unsettling. earlier today, i was having a quick chat with CL and he said something, and i snapped back at him with something mean and rude. it wasn’t nice nor right of me, but i didn’t realise that the issue of which it was over is exactly the thing that has been sitting in my mind for the past months but has yet to have a resolution to. i’m feeling dissatisfied, for some reason. but you know what, i’m going to further explore this issue on my own. no one will have answers for me anyways.

on a happier note, CSK’s wedding was lovely and i’ll post pictures when i do. a friend from long ago just gave birth, so congratulations to her too. kudos to them – for moving forward in life. i think i’m standing still at the moment.

already tuesday?!

my car battery died last friday. it wouldn’t start, and CL attempted to push it (apparently cars can start if you keep it moving and turn on the ignition. maybe that’s why you see people pushing cars!). problem is, the car was sitting on a downhill slope. so for CL to give it a running start, he’d have to push the whole car alone, uphill. grunts and heaves with no result, we decided to just forget it and deal with it another day. poor guy, he was exhausted. today, we went to the a new car battery – so all good! he was very sweet in coming all the way from home, taking out the old battery, carrying it to the shop (it is VERY heavy; i tried to lift it!), getting a new one and putting it in. the car runs beautifully and i’m very glad. appreciate it heaps (:

i’ve sat on my study chair for hours on end now, and my butt its starting to take the shape of the chair and the lines are almost permanently imprinted through my pj pants. i’m still not done with the presentation, mainly because i’m unsure: it sounds too crappy, and the material is not in-depth at all. i can already hear the people in class snickering at me. sigh. i’ve still got 100% more to go on this. fingers crossed!

i was going to watch Dirty Dancing again today when i read the news. but my hard drive is spoiled. (damn. nothing seems to be working for me. my light bulb just blew too!) he was so good in the movie, and his determination and inner strength to keep working despite having contracted the illness is such a true reflection of character. R.I.P. Patrick Swayze.