when things go south in life, close your eyes and think with your heart. see through the pain and whether you know if your decision is the right one, is when you feel peace within.

i know you’re hurting right now, and i wish i could do so much more for you now. whisk you off away to a beautiful beach, with fine sand and clear waters, sit with you under the warm sun sipping icy cold cocktails and spending our day with the best company – each other. i want to talk with you until the sun goes down, because we can share everything, and we know each other’s hearts. between the silly jokes and painful stories, know that we always have each other.

i cannot say anything about what’s just happened, because i don’t know anymore than you do at this point. but you’re strong and smart, and a beautiful person inside and out. trust yourself, and let yourself not look back. (recall: two years back)

i love you, and you’ve been a wonderful and incredible friend to me. i cannot ask for a better friend in you, and you know that you hold a very special place in my life. i look forward to the days where we share meals and chat like the old days, and we’d be laughing over who won the bets!

i just want you to know that i’m always here for you and with you, even if you don’t see me.

ever since my very first dog pee-ed on my bed when i was a toddler, i loved dogs. i could find no fault in them (almost), and i remember i loved bending down and using my tiny hands to maneuver the furry little thing to a direction that i wanted it to go. of course, it never worked.

after we moved, we gave that dog away. given that mom takes so much pride in her garden, it was hard to convince her that getting a dog would be a smart move. after much discussions and putting out reasons like “the dog will guard the house” and things like that, she relented. my paternal grandma gave us a yellowish-brown dog, aged under 1year.

he was named Coffee, after the colour of his coat. it was the most mischievous thing, and his favourite hobby was to dig up holes in the garden. needless to say, he was sent back to grandma’s within the week.

i remember we had a succession of pets after that, including a pair of roosters. whoever said that they only crow when the sun rises has got it wrong. they clearly know no difference between day and night, and even though chasing them around the garden and getting them riled up was funny, the annoying crowing sealed the deal. they were sent back to grandma’s, and the week after we did, i remember asking grandma where the roosters were. she told me her friend had a good meal, and i refrained from chicken that night.

we got another dog again from grandma, this time a jack russell named Lucky. note that these dogs that come from grandma are probably pass-ons from her friends, and are prenamed things that you won’t pick for your dog in a million years. Lucky was quite chubby, for a jack russell. he stunk, and i later found out he was gay. okay, it is a conjecture on my part. but i could find no other explanation for why he always humped guys’ legs – when he has never done that to me nor my sisters! again, he was sent back.

so now, we have got a another dog from grandma. it’s also a jack russell, and he’s named Bobby (see what i mean?). i only found out through phonecalls that he’s staying for good, and i asked dad if we could change his name. he made up some corny joke, saying “why? bobby is a cool name. like whitney houston’s ex-husband, bobby brown.” god. it’s things like this that dad says that make me roll my eyes as i laugh, one of the many reasons why i think he’s a great dad.

so back to Bobby. my littlest sis, being the one most enamoured and fascinated by the dog, has been playing with him and taking him on walks. i suppose it’s a good thing, that now she’s got company. i just called home and she spent a good half hour talking about different breeds of dogs, and how she’s been reading up on various tricks to teach him.

from what i hear, he’s really good – read: does not dig up holes nor pee on beds. AND he’s not gay.

although i have a slight aversion because of Lucky (the fat gay jack russell), i think Bobby could prove me wrong.

this is the photo dad sent me of Bobby: quite the looker!

it’s 7am on a sunday morning. the sun is fully out and birds are chirping right outside my window as i type. no, i’m not up early. i just haven’t slept.

i went to bed about 3 hours ago, but i was thinking about how little time i have left and my heart started beating real quick and i got up and decided to start on my crazy essay which is untouched. right now, i’ve still yet to decide on a topic because: it’s so bloody hard to decide on a topic when everything is foreign to you, and the task seems quite impossible that it’s extremely daunting and ive been putting it off for ages, and i’m in a dilemna where what i want to write about is not what i’m really interested in. argh – how!

i’m not sure if i can write many thousands of words on why US should, or should not join the ICC. i’m really wanting to write about the tokyo tribunal, which i’m more passionate about (maybe because i was born in a country that was under the Japanese occupation and history tells me that it wasn’t very pleasant). however, i’d have to read the whole damn judgment, which is more than a thousand pages long, to begin with, and i’m not sure if i have the time right now to do so. and, given my lack of knowledge on the nuremberg trial, i couldn’t write a proper in-depth essay because it lacks that point of comparison. so maybe, i’m thinking given the time constrains, i should just stick to what i was going to write about and figure out how to write many thousand words on it (and try to get excited about it).

so because the task is my mount everest and i’m not geared up, i springclean the house. it’s nice and dustless, for now.

maybe the next thing to do is to go to bed now.

threw on a pair of trekkies (which double up as pj pants at times) and an oversized jumper (that really belongs to CL), i dragged my feet to the computer lab, again. the beauty of this routine that has been well-drilled-in for weeks is that, i’m on autopilot and am technically brain-sleeping whilst getting to uni.

i then find a parking spot, get a large coffee and sit at a computer. time passes as i attempt to study and not get distracted by interesting things to look at and read on the internet. it is a test, really, each time i open the internet explorer and type in what i need to look up instead of youtube.com.

then the best part of the day – lunch. although choices are limited and i’m well-versed in knowing what’s on offer for lunch and their prices, it takes a while for me to decide on what to have for lunch. it is reduntdant, really, since i have the same damn thing daily. i thought i should be adventurous and try maybe a different sandwich filling, or perhaps have chinese food, but i didn’t want to risk spending the rest of my day sitting in the smelly+disgusting toilet cubicle having diarrhea from bad chinese food.

so i potter about until dinnertime, and by now, i’ve almost mentally switched off. i walk by the library and computer labs on my way out and see other people with their heads down, hard at work. kudos to them, because this routine, albeit sounding light and easy, is rather taxing physically and mentally.

well, it’s 1.30pm and time for lunch. it is most definitely the highlight of my day.

i’m incredibly behind schedule right now, but then again, what’s new, right? i’m the queen of proscrastination, really.

it’s hot and the air is stale outside, and the computer lab is stuffy and ill-ventilated, thanks to the illogical decisions made by the architectures and builders who built this place. i’m not gonna say much more about it, since i don’t go here and my uni fees go to a wonderful beautiful building to which i don’t use because the library there is usually packed full of students from other unis. can you believe that the guy sitting behind me has the fan pointed towards him, and is unwilling to share it? some people.

i find it almost ridiculous here, given the situation (you know, exams are near), and the security guards patrolling the corridors and computer labs think they’re tough and big shit around here. yesterday, we stepped out of the lab to take a breather, only to return and find that we’re locked out of the lab. all our stuff was in there, the room was locked and lights were out. the security guy did come around and unlock the door so we can retrieve our things, and he clearly wasn’t happy about it. well, maybe if you weren’t such an ass and keep wanting to lock computer labs so quickly, you won’t have to make a second trip, would you?

yes, i have a thing against this guy because it’s not the first time that i’m locked out of a computer lab. just two days ago in a different computer lab, i wanted to go in there to get my things and i told him that. he refused to open the door, saying that it’s locked. no shit, i know it’s locked. if it wasn’t, i won’t be standing here bickering with you. anyways, i’m not gonna bother with this shit, because since he thinks he’s the king of the world (well, the world in the sense i guess would be the computer labs and buildings he’s patrolling), then i’ll let you have it. i hope you enjoy telling off people for bringing in water bottles into the computer labs.

it is quite unfortunate that in a highly-stressed situation, people gotta deal with such things. i don’t think it’s very necessary, and perhaps if he could be nicer, he’d have a bigger imapct on others as a person than he knows; instead of imposing his towering figure with protruding belly on others.

the day isn’t so bad, i guess. besides the fact that i overslept, my coffee was burnt (i ordered a large one too! i had to throw it out because i couldn’t be bothered going back and asking for another one), and that i’m sitting in a stuff computer lab – wait, so what’s good about today again?

oh yes, that’s right. i get to buy takeaway because i’ve no time to cook since i’m severely behind schedule. and i gotta get more coffee. big whoop.

so i’m extremely stressed, and somehow food is comforting, almost.

i baked banana muffins and cooked all my meals today in attempt to appease my panicked heart. it clearly was only a temporary fix. CL was feeling unwell and napping on the couch, and though there wasn’t much interaction there (because clearly, he’s asleep), it was kinda comforting.

that being said. my progress is still where it is at.

stalled.

distracted and off the ball.

kick me in the butt.

i feel exhausted just by watching my mom go about her day. she wakes up at 6am to take my littlest sis to school, gets to work by 8am, knocks off at 7pm (if she’s lucky), hits the gym for an hour (if she has the energy), gets home, has dinner, checks on littlest sis’ homework, puts her to bed and sleeps at 11pm (if she’s lucky).

on the weekends, she does grocery shopping early saturday morning with grandma, has lunch, takes littlest sis to tuition, catches up on her newspaper reading (she is anal about making sure she reads every bit of the paper every single day, and this is the time to catch up on reading the paper of the past days on which she had no time to sit down and read them), then goes over to other grandma’s house for dinner, gets home and sleeps by 11pm.

on sunday, she goes to 9am service at church, has lunch at grandma’s, and has the afternoon off (possibly reading the papers, or packing her suitcase for a business trip) until 4.30pm to send littlest sis to tennis lessons. picks up littlest sis after an hour and half, dinner with the family and sleep.

she also reads the bible with littlest sis before bed every night, has daily chats with every single member of the family about how they’re doing, manages littlest sis’ tuition schedules, organises family trips and events, goes on business trips twice a month, catches up with her friends for dinner once a month, and spends quality time with grandparents at least twice a week.

i find her so very amazing, to somehow fit too-many-things in a day. she’s disciplined, hardworking, determined, smart, beautiful, fit, and a wonderful mother. despite her demanding career, she balances her role as a mother and a daughter as well.

today, i called her 5 times, but she didn’t answer any of the calls because she was in meetings. i finally got hold of her at 7.30pm. she was still in the office and haven’t had dinner. i could hear that she was extremely busy and tired, but she put down everything just to ask me how i was, and tell me that she was praying for me every single night.

i don’t get a lot of time with mom, and i so treasure the moments i do get to speak with her. verbal expressions of love is not something we do in the family, but i know that she loves everyone unconditionally.

to hear her voice for that few minutes every fortnight – it is wonderful.

i don’t say it very much mom; but i love you very much.

CL used to tell me about how he used to have pain at the base of his head, and all the way down his neck. it was supposedly the pinching of the nerves or muscles or something like that. i didn’t know how that felt like, despite me saying “oh i’m so sorry sweets” and attempt to relive his pain by giving him something nice to eat.

so last night, there was this pain at the base of my head. it came on all of a sudden, and i thought, no biggie, probably a regular headache. before i knew it, it was getting worse and everytime i tried to massage that area, i felt like screaming. so i googled in attempt to diagnose my problem, and between all the medical terms and explanations, i gave up. i went to bed in pain, and woke up feeling no better. now the pain has spread down my neck, even the sides of my jaw. my lower back is feeling sore too, and according to google (which is all i understood from the article anyways, and CL agrees), it’s due to poor posture, the car accident, and my lower back pain.

so now each time i stand up, sit down, bend over, turn sideways, i wince – in the annoying and distracting pain that i’m feeling all over my body. it’s almost intolerable (and mind you, i have a very high pain tolerance. the fact that i did not cry nor complain at my car accident, and also the fact that i didn’t take any painkillers when i was on crutches is proof of that ) and all i want to do is…i don’t know what to do.

i’m going to the chiro that CL swears by is good, and i hope he’d better be.

in the meantime, if you know of any solution at all, please. help me.

*i’m not taking any painkillers because i don’t want to and don’t believe in them.

i decided to stay away from writing until i had things figured out, but i realised that writing helps me figure things out. i’m still in the process of all that productive-get-me-in-the-right-direction thing, but for now, let me share the story of my first bouquet of flowers.

you see, as much as i like beautiful things, i’m quite a practical person. so you hear girls gushing over brightly coloured flowers or delicately decorated chocolates atop giant teddy bears from their boyfriends , i was never into those things. i loved flowers, but in a garden, not in a bouquet. i never quite got on board with the idea of receiving flowers because they die, eventually. i did get a stalk from my ex, a handful on valentine’s day in high school (i was in an all-girls school, and it was the trendy thing to do then), i never got a bouquet – for good reason.

so one fine morning, i went with my parents + claire to brunch. it was lovely, to be spending time with them. when we got home, there was a bouquet of light pink roses held together by a perfectly tied pink ribbon, sitting on the coffee table. all of us immediately assumed it was for ws, since she was the one always getting flowers. mom and dad went about their business, but nosy me had to take a peep at the card to see who it was from. when i opened it, i gasped; because it read:

“I can’t be there to celebrate with you, but here is something small to wish you a Merry Christmas.

Chris.”

oh how elated i was! CL has sent me a gorgeous bouquet all the way from Melbourne. i had a huge smile on my face, i smelled the flowers (it’s so cliche, right? i think i did that only because i thought everyone has to do that when they get flowers), held them and stared at them for the longest time. i rang CL up, and although i don’t remember what was said on the phone, i remember very distinctly my quickened heartbeat and that sweet warm feeling that washed over me.

of course, the roses did die after some number of days even though i put them in water and tried my best to keep them alive. i was kinda sad when they browned and withered, but threw them out anyways.

i think after receiving my first bouquet of flowers from my sweet boyfriend, i can kinda understand why flowers are so popular. even though their beauty is fleeting, the memory lasts forever.

i’m getting too sappy, so here’s a picture of what the flowers: