love is all around me.

a looooooong time ago, i was addicted to the gym. i loved feeling the burn every single step i take, i enjoyed pushing myself to go for the next rep even though it felt like my muscles were on fire, i loved that i was feeling and getting stronger with every passing day. i went through each day just thinking about the next time i was going to the gym, i thought about what i was going to do, and how far i could take it.

i was young then.

today, i’m one of them fat chicks who walks into the gym, looks around in embarrassment and humiliation, pretends to do a couple things on the exercise machines, and then leaves within the first 15 minues. except, i don’t even go to the gym anymore. so in that scenario i just painted? i’m just a fat chick.

despite my acknowledgement of where i’m at physically and weight-wise (i don’t think there’s such a word, but anyways!), i haven’t started or even begun to think about starting my routine. it required a whole lot of commitment and discipline when i was full on about it, and my mentality is, if i can’t go all out, i’m not going. and this is exactly why i have not gone for over a year.

alright so i’ve succinctly summarised my un-fitness and loss of muscle (with increased body fat percentage and weight).

so when i’m on chat this morning with CL, i sent him a link to an article wherein V Beckham had done a photoshoot 6months after she gave birth. if you saw it, you won’t believe it. if you haven’t seen it, this is her 6months post-baby:

amazing right? her post-baby body is smaller than my no-baby body.

okay anyways, moving on. so after i showed CL the article and this picture, i went on about how incredibly these celebrities get back to normal (physically) after giving birth. it’s like as if getting back to pre-baby body was as easy as simply turning on a switch!

and all CL said was this:

hahaha. if you had the time they did, you’d have a hotter body. i’m sure of it.

what the hell?! okay, i’m saying wth because firstly, he’s incredibly sweet (and clearly, love has indeed made him blind. or maybe this is the one advantage of being in a long distance relationship – you can get fat and not worry about looking bigger than your boyfriend haha!) and secondly, after almost four years, his words still make me swoon. ah, what a charmer he is!

okay, now on to the substantive part of my post today (i’ll stop being narcisstic!)

many chinese believe that the year of the dragon is always a good year, because for some reason, we just LOVE dragons. also, it’s the only mythical creature in the entire chinese zodiac. must be somethin’ special eh?

i’ve been bursting with excitement about this particular piece of news. okay when i first found out, i actually teared and i wanted to cry tears of joy (i never understood tears of joy, but now i do!). i leaped up to hug the bearer of this news, and i know that she must be way more thrilled about it than me because she’s going to be starting a new chapter in life. i’m not going to name her, but if you’re friends with her on FB, you’d know who i’m talking about.

all i want to say is, i’m really happy and thrilled for you. i know that change can be scary and things unexpected are a little frightening, but uncertainty sometimes can surprise you in many amazing ways and i know that you’re going to be so damn happy. i am so very proud of you, of how far you’ve come and how much you’ve grown, and it is truly my honour to be a part of it all.

i love you, and CONGRATULATIONS!!!

unbeliveable.

today marks the first in our chapter for the occurrence of said act.

it resulted in the worst reflection of all things shared; sure, it hurt.

but still.

Day 12: i’m still sleep-deprived.

i slept at 6am again last night. when you put that before the sentence “and i woke up at 8ish am in the morning for work”, then you’ll understand the full extent of how ridiculous that is and how ridiculously tired i am.

cl works mornings now, so i’ll see him online when i get to work. this is one of the topics discussed this morning:

him: jessica alba is 169cm!

okay, pause. to comprehend fully the following conversation, you must know first that he was telling me about how jennifer aniston is shorter than me and she manages to look svelte and lean and tall. his point being, you cannot use the fact that your weight-to-height proportion is off and you can’t achieve what you want just because someone who is shorter than you has done it. case in point, jennifer aniston.

so back to the conversation. alright, he raised jessica alba’s height issue because we both agreed that she’s got a smokin’ hot bod and still looks as hot as she did when she first appeared on screen. if you must know, she dominated my desktop for quite a while many years back.

me: really? damn!

him: see? you’re not taller than aniston, and you’re pretty much same height as alba!

me: no i’m not! i’ve shrunk actually.

him: you didn’t shrink! how can you shrink!

me: i did! with old age! go google it. (i truly believe i’ve shrunk and this has caused some sadness within )

him: you’re not old! so silly!

me: i am! i’ll be 30 in three years! (sigh…….i still cannot accept this fact.)

him: you’re not, sweetheart! you’ll always….always be my baby.

cl IS the sweetest thing, isn’t he? i must admit that his statement made me melt and i almost forgot about my age-making-me-sad-crap, haha!

but i AM getting old and i’ve nothing to show for it. reality is smacking in the face right now.

ps. if you don’t know what she looks like, here it is -

is this why the chinese dislike the number 4?

2012: Day 4.

I’m still suffering the effects of sleeping-and-waking-at-a-whim over the holidays. having to wake up at a fixed time daily for work is proving to be a problem for me, given that i’d still be wide awake until 3am everynight.

i woke up late today, but i wasn’t feeling great for some reason. i was on the bus to work half an hour after the official start of work (ie. 9am), and unfortunately, i was stuck on the bus for a whole half hour because it was caught up in a jam on the freeway. and because i’m not a morning person (this is not just a preference; my body actually rejects morning-time), i was feeling very familiar signs of things that were going to happen. and boy, was i right! my body was informing me that it was going to collapse soon, so i’d better do something.

there was nowhere for me to sit, and i started panicking on the stationary bus. cold sweat was running down my back and my knuckles turned white from my gripping the bar too hard. i decided to squat down, despite the fact that i was wearing a dress. i supported my head with one hand and held the bar with another, willing for the bus to move and get to my office building already.

in short, i made it to the office in one piece, albeit very shaky and pale.

this, was the start to my day.

two hours after this debaucle happened, i have been on the phone for long enough with this guy who mans the helpline (he isn’t helpful so i gave him some career advice and told him that he should think about changing jobs) about insurance cover and sorts and i’ve given up totally on doing the procedure that the specialist recommended i do. it turns out that after being told that i’m covered by insurance and i’m not and i am and i’m not, i’m confused, frustrated and tired of speaking to someone who pretends he knows his shit but really, he’s just shit.

i think ordinarily i’d be screaming inside my head by now, but i’m surprisingly calm. i think getting older does make a difference, because you learn to pick your battles: don’t get upset at everything because it really is worthless to be so. i guess i’m keeping to what i told myself this year, that is to be more patient and less short-tempered with people because i’m a bigger person.

i do look forward to what the year brings. i’ve got a bunch of things in my head that i know i want to do differently this year, and i’m excited!

2012.

2011 saw many ups and downs; the depletion of all fitness activity in my life, the endless hours of work and lost weekends due to the same, the deterioration of my physical health, and still being on a different continent as cl … but 2011 also saw the celebration of a new job, family being all together in one place (almost!), the wonderful news of my sister’s new chapter in life, the welcoming of the first baby in the group of girls.

2012 shall be great, because that’s the only way we should look at it.

may all your wishes come true, and if this blog survives another year, we’ll review the meeting of all our goals again. interestingly, this post marks the 400th time i’ve written here.

happy new year to all (:

because i can’t have it any other way.

tpdl

dear diary.

for reasons known and unknown, i get through my day with a heavy heart.

it’s interesting what one provoking thought can do to you physically; i reckon this is when you test if you are truly stronger within your own in your mind.

well, regardless.

few more days, meeps!

age(d); not in a good way.

it’s the second day of December and almost the end of 2011. it’s so cliche to say that time flies, but i feel like it did slip through my fingers almost too swiftly.

my eyes are red and puffy from having had only 3hours sleep last night, and with much work to do, i was only in the mood to sink into my chair and sip my venti latte and mull over how i’m older but not anymore accomplished than the year before.

but this young intern in my office just made me want to cry and laugh all at the same time.

so he’s 18, a geeky skinny boy with black-framed glasses that cover most of his face. he has an awkward gait, because well, he’s feeling awkward most of the time i reckon. he’s only here for a week, and from the looks of it, he’s doing nothing most of the time.

so i asked him to do me a chart this morning, and also to email it to me when he’s done it. several attempts later and some stunted conversation wherein he “mmm-ed” and “umm-ed” half the time, i finally got an email. and this is what he wrote:

“Dear Madam,

Attached is the chart you requested.“

MADAM?!

well, i’m already saddened by the fact that no boxes have yet to be ticked on my to-do list for 2011, and that it’s already December and i’m now in my late-twenties. and he calls me Madam?!

hahahaha. i guess i cannot expect him to call me anything else, given that the options for him to address people around here are “Sir” or “Madam” (he might just do well in the army!), but it was shocking and surprising to say the least.

i’m only halfway through my coffee but i’m already jolted awake by his inadvertent joke.

hahaha. i guess i should be preparing myself for when alifya’s baby calls me “Auntie” for the first time.

i shudder at that thought.

(un)belonging.

i don’t feel like i belong.

at all.

i think i got the lesson; but i don’t have the guts to act on it.

are you sure this is what i’m supposed to get out of this?