out of fear. yes, fear. irrational fear.
well, the story goes like this. so i’ve been up doing my notes, pressed for time. i am still behind schedule, and am panicked. i decided to go to bed for an hour at 7.30am, and attempting to sleep after much caffeine in my system proved difficult.
at about 8.30am, CL called to wake me up. well, i was drifting in and out of light sleep, so i was pretty much awake. then i heard someone knocking on my door, so i yelled out “coming!”, and quickly dressed to appear more presentable before opening the door. it was very hard knocking on the door, persistent and insistent.
no one was there when i answered the door eventually, and i was quite annoyed since i had to get out of bed for nothing. i decided to lie down in bed for a while longer because my vision was blurry for some reason. perhaps staring at the computer screen for too long caused it; i don’t know.
so anyway, minutes after i went to bed, someone buzzed the intercom. i answered, and all i heard was a soft weak female voice. i said hello again on the intercom, but there was only silence. i happened to look on the floor, and i saw a note.
it was a receipt, and on it were words written in a dark red lip liner. i’m not going to quote what was written on it verbatim, because i would have to look at it again. it gives me the chills, so i’m just going to tell you the gist of it.
basically, this lady wrote on it saying that she didn’t have a pen, and so she had to resort to lip liner. she said she used to live here, where her partner/best friend had shot himself. she wanted some closure, and that she had knocked but there was no answer. she said she doubted that she would come back and knock again, since it’s been ten years.
i was shocked! if you know me, i scare extremely easily. my mind went wild (not in a good way) with my imagination thinking up possible scenarios, and my heart was racing. i was terrified. does this mean i was living in a place where someone had shot himself? omg! i called CL immediately, and whilst trying to tell him what happened, i couldn’t stop myself from breaking into tears. i was crying out of fear, that the lady would return. i was afraid that this story was true. in fact, i had believed it immediately. i was afraid of now living alone, sleeping alone, and being alone in this place. i was on the phone with CL for 15minutes, and he was telling me not to be so irrational, and to think straight.
it was very hard for me to explain how it feels to fear easily of anything, and i felt really helpless. i was extremely terrified, and my heart was still beating very fast. i didn’t dare go anywhere, not even into the toilet. it was like this lady had just put me into a prison of fear. fear of the unknown. fear of what could be.
after i ended the phonecall, i told myself to put this aside. i was still pressed for time and had tons of work to do for my exam preparation, and logically, i had no time for such irrational thinking. as much as i wanted to believe i was being irrational and silly, a big part of me was still shaking inside and i had to stop myself from crying further. i was also partly upset that CL could not understand how i was feeling, and that as much as i understood what he was saying was rational and logical, i somehow was unable to bring my heart to understand that and stop being afraid.
midway into writing this post, CL rang me back. he told me that he called up my local police station, and that he had called to check the records dating ten years back relating to my apartment. he told me that besides a record for a bicycle burglary, there was nothing else. clearly, if the record shows such a minor offense, then if anything bigger had happened, it would be on there, wouldn’t it? CL went on to say that the police said there are a lot of mentally ill people out there, who perhaps got the apartment wrong, or maybe, were just mentally ill. well, that didn’t comfort me very much because the thought of a deranged person lurking about is not that safe either.
CL spoke to me in calm and gentle tones. he said he was going to get me a padlock of some sort, to give me further reassurance and peace of mind. when he was talking to me, i felt my heart slow down a little, and i could breathe a little easier. i felt like a child, and right now after i’ve processed all the information, though i still feel a little afraid, i’m a lot better.
i feel a headache coming on due to my lack of sleep, but that doesn’t affect me very much right now. despite my red swollen eyes, i am much calmer and comforted. CL really came through for me, by calling the police and checking the records for me when i was too afraid to do so out of fear of hearing what i don’t want to know. i’m extremely timid and scare easily, but i appreciate very much what CL did. he was really sweet and nice, so -thank you heaps sweetheart.
i’m going to pack up my stuff and head to the library now. it certainly has been an eventful morning.
